It’s with much (long over due) anticipation I am blogging to share this writers block that I’ve been ridden with is well on its way out the door. Ever slow, ever diligent and with much to release, I recognize it held up creative flow (this is why a tweet was timely)
The month of February was a blur, in fact, I don’t recall much of it. Perhaps a glimpse here or a glimpse there is what I recollect. Next thing you know it’s the end of March. Holy schnickees! It’s Good Friday?! Shit oh dear I sure needed this time to gather, feel, heal, embrace, love, and get out of my own way.
While on this emotional walkabout after being bucked off this Sikem (horse in Nimiipuutimpt’ki) called Life, in search of answers as a mother, I felt extremely overwhelmed. I needed to reboot, recalibrate, and recuperate. Fortunately for me, Sikem was actually helping me more than I could understand. Today, I welcome and embrace the beauty behind the struggle, more importantly, I am liberating myself. It was one of the first steps to my realization.
As a doctoral student, in addition to my family life, I realized that I have a responsibility to my program. The realization of the hard work of those who journeyed before me and what that entailed, as a sacrifice, helped me to see the value, responsibility, and discipline that is required. For those who journeyed before me in an advanced degree program, you all cleared a path for those of us on the “come up.” The realization puts the bigger picture in perspective this is indeed a privilege, “now take care of it.”
In this time, I was reminded through song and ceremony, this is a journey few Native people have embarked on. Even further, the tiered pyramid gets smaller toward the top and not many can stay on the course. With family responsibilities, I felt myself being tugged and learned its okay to cut people out. In listening to my sister … “they are not worthy of being included in this journey if they are not helping you” it amazed me how she could see from the outside looking in and have a perspective that was so clear, so vivid, and so true. The truth can not be denied nor argued with, it just is. The struggle to free myself of cyclical and lateral violence was not as hard as I initially feared and thought I could not do. Today, I am aware and realize that it IS necessary and deemed worthy, especially because of the work I endeavor.
My support group, who are my nearest and dearest friends and family have been helpful. I thank them for believing in me, but also for reminding me of the good things in life. Shi’deezhi (my lil sister) who is wise beyond her years has been one of my strong holds. I feel blessed to have her and others to help guide me with presence. Amazing how in our culture, regardless of age, one can be helpful in guidance with wisdom. Whether learned from experience or personal knowledge, in life, nothing worth having comes easy. It also reminds me of the fool who learns through mistakes versus the wise who learns through observation of the fool.
Slow and steady, I gathered my thoughts and emotions, and reclaimed my spirit. I am rediscovering strengths and weaknesses, most of all, the need and desire to get back up on the saddle. As I was processing, I was also healing. With a rested and relaxed soul, and like the Phoenix, I rise from the ashes and forgot to share my name, Renee, means to be reborn. I admit, the journey got sticky, it has not been easy, however, it has also been beautiful, even through pain. With a heart filled with gratitude, I am also thankful.
Blogging off, while taking the reins, I remain Renee, Li’ken’yut, woman-full of life.