finally felt wholehearted strength, peace, and desire to read, for the first time in 8 months, my dissertation.
holy dissertation’s batman, i legit cried.
moved beyond words, the feeling is like a need to catch my bref, still.
i hope my work will honor those coming up, and worth the time of those who helped pave a way. collegiate relationships that worked and moved beyond the academy, woven with responsibilities, just wow.
walking on the shoulders of giants, this post-doc journey and life at the moment is just, wow.
i was told in oct. that a time would come when I would sit down and read through it. the time would present itself and be exactly when it was needed. i couldn’t even see it then because i was still coming down from the realization that i had even finished something i was about to say “heck with it” too, while adjusting into the role of a director and pi.
after 7 years in the academy, being a single mom, failed relationships, which turned out to be huge blessings in disguise, looking back, they were blessings to us, me and my children
thinking about my beautiful sweetums and young nieces, including the many daughters and nieces out there in Indian country who are preparing to trek off into college… you are all some of my inspiration.
remembering what it was like to start college and looking back on how long it took me to get all the way up to the top of the proverbial education mountain. all the many people who helped me along the way, especially those who believed in me, including the ones who criticized, judged, dismissed, gossiped, and above all challenged me to grow, THANK YOU.
there were pains along the way that i did not anticipate and while people might say hindsight is 20/20, like some cliche, this time of healing has really been a process that has been painful. and yet it has also revealed some pretty clear and amazing things.
was it all worth it?
the pains and loss of people who I love, yet can only love from a distance because of dysfunctions, unhealed pain, and toxicity has probably been one of the toughest realities.
wounds are healing and my scars are no longer fresh, and the discoloration of the epidermis of my skin wounds are now lightening up. i anticipate someday those scars will be shiny and absolutely-completely healed. one day i’ll be able to laugh them off and kindly continue on about my way.
to answer my own question, yes.
yes it was all worth it.
i learned who was really there and willing to help me up. the mocking, ridicule, lies, layered on top of the insecurities, hurts, and unhealed pains were not easy to let go of when i was still just learning to grow into this emergence.
emotional intelligence levels steam with forgiveness.
i look at these people today, these loved ones who are blood, remind me, all my skin folk ain’t my kin folk.
next steps of post-doc funding education, writings, musings, poetry, song, dance, ceremony, and more of all that in no particular order and a whole lot of other schtuff.