since i graduated. once that part of my journey began, so did my critical self inquiry about what it is that i wanted to do post doctoral program.
it took all the strength for me to think about next steps.
i never really had a vacation or a break. and still plan on an island getaway. no work and auto reply will be on for two weeks of don’t disturb this groove.
as i recall, i had been in a feast and famine mode. although i completed my program, i continued onto another part of the journey aka post doc. since then, i have gone on an intentional space of moving forward and self reflection looking back on where i’ve come from. i do this a lot as an INFJ.
some parts of the journey was shit. not gonna lie.
living with anxiety and depression has not been easy. i don’t understand how some people think it’s just as easy as turning the light switch on and off and it’s “all in your head.” um, not it’s not you noob. it’s a chemical imbalance and is also hereditary. nor is it something we can just think our way through and we are in a space of self pity or needing attention. fuck ignorant ass people for being so simple at saying that. i gotta plan. how bout no? and zip your mouth. also, try to go read a book while you’re at it. here’s a recommendation. It Didn’t Start With you
thereafter, go to a hospital and tell someone whose been living with it to “stop thinking” like that. laughable whenever i hear that type of nonsense. my response usually is, “really?” *and then the blank stares side eye commences *
at this point and time in my life, i usually just leave these people alone in their world and remember, i’m just a visitor in their world and let them think they’re right. i’m often left to believe these individuals are a part of societies problem of ignorance in the world. usually, when it happens, i basically come to understand simpletons as individuals who oversimplify and dismiss the emotional chokehold that anxiety and her dysfunctional partner’s depression involves.
i also come to understand certain people will never have a conception of the grip anxiety and depression can have on a person when we try to do it alone without help.
its like swimming in a current and believing you can swim out if you just keep your head above the water line.
the reality is, we need a life line.
my lifeline was supportive family; babies, sisters, aunties, uncles, parents, and ceremony.
they all kept me focused and grounded. interestingly, its the earth and water signs who are closest to me. these beautiful people also choose me.
its actually quite humbling. my life journey has been enhanced because of these beautiful people and the last two years were made easy because of them.
writing through and finishing up edits of writings and i come across this draft. i have so many drafts to finish its a wonder why i don’t post more often.
as i close out this mornings writing session, a couple words come to mind…