since i began my critical self inquiry, healing has become a big part of my life journey.
with an active mind, every morning i wake up thinking about something, someone, some event, some song, some dream, just something.
each experience, from whatever my emotional space is waking up from and into, is a tender moment. it’s like those times of the quiet and calm before war.
i am also reminded, it’s the first things (or last things) on my mind that are important.
somedays my mind is mush and i really don’t have some deep introspective thought. i mean, shit, somedays i wake up singing You’re Welcome with no real questions. just pure bliss.
it’s in those moments i recognize that i’ve come through some significant moments of grief and loss. growing through them has been a part of my journey for the last few years.
this has taught me that healing is an on going and ever evolving process. it isn’t some easy breezy deal either.
it comes with some serious critical self inquiry and work.
once we learn about something’s, our mind can never go back. if one chooses to remain stagnant and in a certain place, that is a choice and free will runs its natural course.
healing requires a person to do that deep introspection. for a lot of us people from the Rez, it’s purging ourselves of unresolved grief and loss from childhood traumas associated.
another thought comes through on healing.
it’s the inner work that is the hardest.
inner work is the hardest because sometimes we tend to victimize ourselves and blame others for our trauma. i have learned the trauma we endured is not our responsibility, but the healing is.
trauma forces children to grow up early and sooner than they care to. wrestling with emotions and confusion, chaos, substance abuse, unsupervised children thereafter learn to repeat adult behaviors. sadly, it eventually leads to the learned behaviors that continue to perpetuate behaviors associated with unhealed pain and trauma. as adults it’s so important to provide safe spaces for children. we have witnessed within our communities, healing the inner child is deep and layered work.
much of this reminds me that healing requires and demands a person to grow and evolve. healing requires us to move past and beyond the trauma we experienced and to have courage. having the courage to heal is not as easy as some people might think or believe. some people relish and stay in their trauma because it’s all they have ever known. self victimizing is a hard one to grow out of when we refuse to accept our responsibility to heal.
today, we can also find that we have so many people coming forward. more and more are speaking up and against things that were shamed into silenced. talking about issues and concerns such as substance abuse and all the ills that are attached to it that have plagued our community for too long. the healing work also involves remembering our cultural traditions.
while there are few elders left who can remember the old ways, there are more who don’t remember. some with no memory. some without any recollection due to the cultural genocide and erasure. it’s one of a deadly chokeholds and residual effects of federal policies from the 19th and 20th centuries.
although we are in the 21st century, we are still trying to heal from the last two centuries of settler colonialism and it’s time to say, “No more.”
and that is essentially what happened to me. i woke up one day and decided i don’t want my parents trauma to continue directing my life. it didn’t happen to me and it wasn’t my fault. without taking agency away from them or my grandparents or my ancestors, i am relearning that it is quite alright to speak up, out, and against how the settler colonial patriarchy taught us to hate ourselves.
reclaiming my life and humanity has taken some time. what’s nutty is, im not even close to where i want to be and it already feels so much lighter and better. embracing that darkness and seeing it was not my trauma to carry has been a journey. things that helped me see this was prayers, healing, ceremony, Mother Nature, rain, water, snow, and animal life.
i think i’ll keep doing what has worked and continue the ever evolving human journey.
kind regards and peace.
enclosing here’s a sweet tune, please don’t disturb my groove.