a healing journey

when fed tenderness we understand compassion and forgiveness. when working in healing, something i have learned, is that in order to truly begin healing, the journey into self discovery also includes (self) forgiveness and (self) compassion.

(self) compassion, as i have come to know, helped me to understand whoever or whatever it was that i experienced was a part of my journey. whether it may or may not have caused pain and led me on a journey of understanding and realizing grief, pain taught me compassion towards what ailed my aching heart.

during my ever evolving healing process, i became (self) aware but not until after going within.

the particular process of my healing journey, whether guided in therapy or life skills coaching reminders, i experienced the heartache of going within. learning (self) forgiveness was a part of my journey that i did not like. i learned it’s okay to go within and back into the past, however, it is a tricky place to be. i got stuck and learned staying stuck there is not healthy.

(self) forgiveness taught me forgiveness of others. it highlighted forgiveness of events and circumstances that were beyond my control. in the large schema of my healing journey i found my inner child. she was hiding in plain sight in my grandmothers old 15 x 10 adobe home. my aunt and cousin have renovated and refurbished her home, and while it is not the exact same house i remember of grandma’s, it still holds her spirit.

it’s as beautiful as i remember it from my childhood. 

while on my healing journey i learned that (self) forgiveness and (self) compassion go hand-in-hand. they are both one and the same. understanding and learning that helped me as i took a journey back. i found photos of when i lived in SoCa with my parents, and into early childhood where i had my first bicycle, into youth adolescence, on into young teen hood, into young adulthood into my current life. i shared that for this last Mercury Rx and in this year of the Pig i would heal myself from any and all pain that i had because i knew my future depended on it.
looking back in self reflection, i took on something that i had no idea would cause so much grief and pain. i essentially took it upon myself to do some inner child work and the healing required outside help. i had to seek help and needed not only my spiritual advisors, but also the ancestors.
while some people might think it’s wrong or not good to conjure or ask them to come back, my inner child needed them. she asked and they answered. i was once told the creator especially loves prayers from children. it was my inner child who called upon spirit and who was heard. i cried more than i thought i would because you know, i’m a big girl. well, spirit was real intentional to let me know it’s okay to be vulnerable and allowing myself to express myself was truly not an easy process.
i found myself triggered by childhood events and memories related to loss and the need to find closure from unresolved trauma. it did not occur to me that i had carried the grief and loss of my little dad when i was in the third grade. it’s taken me quite a long time to release those memories and send them up into the star studded heavens.
as i continue on my healing journey i find myself viewing this time as a responsibility. healing is indeed a responsibility, and it lies within each and every one of us. as individuals, we have a choice to heal (or not). healing is also about exercising free will. the choice to heal requires learning and unlearning, and directly embodying and exercising healthy coping mechanisms which are an integral part of growth and healing.
i am learning more about myself and how i had buried pain and suppressed emotions. releasing emotions and freeing myself from generational cycles has been a journey. allowing for vulnerability and being unapologetic about it has not been easy. i found love within myself buried deep underneath the fond memories of my childhood and have been reparenting myself.
i especially love how it has brought my children and i closer. the level of intimacy and open hearted nature i’ve been sharing with them has been sweet. they truly are my greatest gifts and are so grounding in their Earthy signs ways. one is a sure footed Capricorn goat, my second is a hooved Taurus, and their younger counterpart, a meticulous Virgo have shown me what unconditional love means. their attention to my emotional vulnerability has prompted them to want to protect me.
reparenting my inner child has taught me it’s important to extend the same preciousness back to them. it feels awfully beautiful to be surrounded by this kind of unconditional love. to watch them soar and fly above the sky so high is truly amazing to me. seeing them soar is how i know we have broken three generational cycles of pain and our love has made it possible.
in healing myself, this time helped me to think and feel my way through how much unconditional love allows for a person to grow. it helps me to also rethink how important it has been for me to support and hold space for my partner to grow through what they need in order to get to the healthy stage we both need. healing self is important for a healthy and healed relationship with one another.
as i prep for tomorrow and get myself ready for the upcoming week’s responsibilities i send out my thanks and gratitude for the life i have been blessed with and send up my wishes.
Qeci’yew’yew hinuuywat yox kolo~o
Categories Indigenous

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