at the heart of healing is pain like we never knew.
in that is one of the truths about healing as a choice, it is indeed painful and requires the courage to face buried pain.
something i been learning is one of the main reasons why i think when we don’t choose to heal, it has to do with pain and the avoidance of it.
we avoid healing because there is pain involved. to truly heal involves getting to the root of the pain. literally, a person has to be willing to gut themselves and go straight to the core.
the pain is sometimes unbearable, shameful, heartbreaking, and filled with ugly truths that we prefer to avoid and bury.
i read an article this morning and found beauty in the painful truth. it really helped me to see how i had repeated patterns and behaviors. i saw all the familiarities in my ex partners and the type of men they were.
from that awareness, i had to dig further. why was i attracted to this type and what made me think they were the one? why did i think they were different then the last? who were they to my inner child that kept me going back to this same type?
after that critical self awareness i went even further and found the little girl i used to be. the memory recall was painful at times and while i thought i had forgotten a lot, therapy taught me buried memories can be remembered.
my healing began in 2016 and has been spent in some deep painful memories. clearing out that metaphorically had me pulling and clearing out cob webs from my belly button. i spent the last three years clearing out memories and found myself as a little girl. it was quite beautiful but not before the pain.
although i had a good childhood, you know safe home, well fed, clothed, toys, family, friends, all the things that children wish for, i had missed out on a healthy attachment with my mom.
Sadé Somebody Already Broke My Heart echoes in my mind.
my dad who raised me was a blue collar worker who worked at NGS for over 30+ years and was my stability. we lived with my biizhi Mary (his older sister) who was my surrogate mom and he showed me what a provider does for their family.
recently, i learned my biizhi was 14 when she first went to boarding school. although she never really learned the white mans educational system, by virtue of her as my primary caretaker, she greatly influenced my education.
while i struggled with reading my own self, because i did not have anyone to help me, i made sure i could read papers for her. she was in many regards why i picked up a love for reading even when i struggled with it.
in therapy, during my memory jogs, while i had some painful memories come through, i also remember i had fun memories.
what i learned is that i had forgotten my mother. so much that when she would show up for supervised visitations at my Aunty’s Louise’s house, i remember her asking me if i wanted to live with her. i was in the 3rd grade and said no.
perhaps that was my first act of resistance? perhaps that was when i first denied myself love? when i was thinking back on that day, i remember i sat and stared at her emotionless. the memory recall showed me how i had learned to detach.
when i asked her if she remembered that day she said yes. she said she understood i was scared and didn’t want to live with her or my sisters. that was true, but mostly, i didn’t want to leave the comforts and safety of my childhood home.
we lived in a two bedroom house on a boarding school campus. i shared a room with my brother Bennis. i had the bunkbed and he had a full bed. when our great grandma Sophie used to come stay with us, he had to sleep on the top bunk and i remember we’d stay up even after lights out telling stories and grandma would get after us in Diné.
we’d giggle and continue until she’d grumble again only this time with some mean implication she’d do something about it if we didn’t stop. i think it was funny to get her to that point come to think of it, but we also never did want to find out what she’d do. today, i can totally relate to her gruff and crabby nature when i want to sleep and my babies are loud.
during my memory recalls, i learned all that buried pain had helped me to erase attachments.
today, i understand it was beyond my control and while i learned to shut my emotions off, it also taught me some unhealthy coping mechanisms.
since then, i have learned culturally, Diné people do not express emotions the way settlers do. instead we hold ceremony.
add into the mix western forms of communication in education, health & wellness, and community. we were forced to assimilate and simultaneously learned how to suppress our Diné cultural teachings which actually did create spaces for expressing emotions, but in ceremony and family settings.
all of this memory suppression was opened up when i sought to take therapy to the next level. it opened my heart and mind to places i had buried and to where i had missed a healthy attachment to my mother. mending our relationship always began with her trying to make amends for a past she regretted.
i can’t imagine a life without my babies and working to understand my own mother’s pain was a big part of my own healing.
its true, when a woman works to heal herself, she also heals her mother, daughter, and any women before and after her. the article below helped me to see a part of my life i had buried. it also opened my mind to how i had become so closed off and attached to unhealthy connections.
working to end settling for emotionally violent and unavailable men and all around unhealthy attachments has been work. putting expectations out there without communicating has also been work.
learning and knowing how to he in a healthy relationship with someone who understands this has been paramount. i’ve been afraid to go there and the vulnerability is actually quite jarring.
my controlling nature stems from wanting to make sure i don’t experience anything i don’t want to.
as i learned in journey work, i decide.
i am the one who allowed what was allowed. today i wish for more than i allowed and deserve all the good things that come with a healthy attachment and partner.
healing from the childhood abandonment of an absent mother during my formative years was huge. my dad’s drinking didn’t help so going to live with her was not hard to do.
what was difficult was hearing her tell me about my biological father, the neglect and emotional abuse, to her loss of childhood innocence. one of the big life lessons i learned from this time is that teens go through a whole identity crisis. add to it a parent’s unresolved grief and trauma, it has all the mixings for compounded emotions.
as a result my unhealthy attachments started at 19 and subsequently my first love and heartbreak. which started my experiences in relationships that were emotional roller coaster rides. the rides were unhealthy and emotionally void and toxic. sometimes i think people believe abuse is physical, what i don’t think they understand is that emotional abuse is equally violent and heartbreaking.
silent treatments, verbal assaults, put downs, gas lighting, and partner bullying for being an emotional creature has been something i had to learn and grow away from. liberating myself from that has not been easy and meeting someone who understands and knows this about me has been a journey.
reading this article was on point. healing heart space has taught me to create boundaries and recognize them when i see them.
acknowledging someone who is unable to give me these things has also been a part of the journey. i have learned, when i forget that healing myself is more important than anything else i remember who i am.
i know i’ve shared that i love listening to Sadé. honestly, i feel like she gets me. she describes my deepest and darkest moments but also my greatest love. i been listening and grooving to her since HS.
today she is still the queen i look up to. my healing journey has been one of ups and downs but also filled with a lot of love and compassion. forgiving myself and learning how to show up for myself.
mostly my inner child and reparenting her so that she knows how to exist in this oftentimes cruel world. journey work has been possible with her on my playlist and repeat.
she gave me the Kiss of life and lovingly taught me its okay to feel those things, just as the article says.
its been an incredible journey so far. the full moon in Taurus has been helpful in releasing emotions i have buried and opened my mind up to being present for myself and my healing.