i been going through some deep and dark places healing from heartbreak.
its also been a journey to allow the emotions that surface to flow.
i’ve had feelings of deep and dark trepidation and yet, after processing what i experienced, with the flood of emotions, i also felt collectedness.
i have been learning myself and how to alchemize the pain of heartache and heartbreak. from the hurt i felt, to karma knocking on my door and serving me the exact same pain. in meeting my deep and dark shadows i dove deep into the pain.
while swimming in the deep sea of fire and emotions, i went all the way back to my inner child and relived every year of my life.
with no leaves or stones unturned, i dug within. looking back, my formative years were solid. but it was in my teen years when i went to live with my mother at the tender age of 15 is when my life turned upside down.
it was then when i started to learn about love of self and how one toxic parent can hurt a child. those years taught me love of myself is the most important relationship we will ever have.
the reflection and deep interrogation revealed parts of myself that i had not known or seen before. the download or memory recall awakened my kundalini.
the uncoiling and ascension allowed me to spread my Phoenix wings. yes, i went straight into the fire, but it was my tear drops that were self healing.
assurance that what i was experiencing was from the past was important. letting the emotions go was also critical.
i found beauty, but not until after the pain.
i felt calmness, and regained emotional composure, which allowed for me to feel the confidence to continue on my journey.
having a partner who helps to ease and encourage my pursuit of inner peace and happiness is essential. it lays a foundation of security that i need in order to continue to feel safe and to become who i am destined to be.
this part of the healing journey has been significant and meaningful. so much that after alchemizing the deep and dark feelings, i also found contentment.
and not to say content without continuing on the journey of self discovery, but contentment with the fact that i found true love.
true love for myself despite the heart break. my heart no longer aches and feels ready to love and trust again.
what i have learned in partnership is that it is paramount to allow our partner to forgive us. and that is a part of alchemy that we don’t always know how to accept.
i have learned, when we don’t forgive ourselves, there will be difficulty in allowing others to forgive us.
when in partnership this is big. mirroring one another, and allowing your partner to forgive you is a huge step that is rooted in forgiving yourself.
the changed behaviors and loving acts of kindness wash away the hurt and pain. consequently, the partnership then becomes more about wanting to learn and reconnect with your partner and rediscover things daily.
in alchemy, the beauty of the process is the pain and how it becomes a part of the journey. rediscovering self then allows your partner to relearn new things about you that have always been there, hence loving and reparenting the inner child.
i have been troubling myself over this for sometime now and realize forgiveness of infidelity helped me to forgive myself for allowing it to stay in my life repeatedly.
what resonates with me on this healing journey is that i found love. the calm of the truth comes from knowing that infidelity won’t ever be a problem in my future.
finding love within myself before i could find love in anyone else has been a big part of my healing journey and i realize, i am that Woman 💖✨
3 am thoughts about love and how i once broke someones heart and the karma, oh the karma. i understand and know first hand karma is the most gangster person i know. i hurt someone while on this journey and today i recognize the pain.
fixing that and learning the lesson has been a process in itself. all he wanted was to love me and all i wanted was to fly away. unhealed pain and fear kept me from going there. hindsight looking back, he was one of the most painful memories i had to revisit and fix.
he was a Sagittarius and one of the sweetest guys i knew. we would have been married by now with a couple more kids. he loved my babies and they enjoyed him. he flew out for holidays, birthdays, and we vacationed in SoCa for the winter. he knew i always wanted a little fufu girl who was a tough cookie “just like you” he’d say and had dreams of having children. looking back and grieving that, i know he was one of the sweetest and i hurt him. those are now memories and the opportunity to have them are gone.
spending the last six years of my life healing has effected my ability to have a child as getting older sets in. our dream of having a little girl who would carry both our grandmothers name saddens me. i mean, it was a sweet dream and back then i was just afraid of being hurt again. hindsight looking back, he would have never hurt me and we would have had her by now. see how easy it is for me to go down the self loathing lane? shoulda, coulda, woulda.
as i process this part of my healing journey, we are slowly exiting Scorpio season and ending a turbulent Mercury Rx. i seriously did a deep dive. i cringe at some of things i said during this one and feel like i vomited all over. cleaning up the stench has been everything but fun and i feel foolish.
as we head into Sagittarius season, i feel like i will need to go on an adventure and do what Sagittarius love to do. i guess that is one thing i love and appreciate about the one sign i keep ending up with.
a part of my healing journey has been about asking myself what did i see in them and why every man who ever held or kept my interest was a Sagittarius. tbh, they annoy me sometimes. my Pops is a Sag and every Sag i know is charming. with my Jupiter and Neptune in Sagittarius i am aware they are lucky signs for me but their nature, like i said sometimes annoys me. but thats another blog post.
the last couple days of learning myself as i spent it looking back on my long distant relationships has been teaching me to let the past go.
let it go so i can go into my future. although some of those dreams have died, my inner child knows how to dream another dream.
and for me, dreaming is a part of my healing.