amid COVID, in the last 7 months of 2020, i been learning myself.
as i welcome in the “new” normal, the newness has me reeling.
COVID is indeed something ‘new’ to adjust.
while i didn’t necessarily welcome this newness, despite my heart and mind’s tendency to close off and build those walls, this pandemic got me like, “break down those walls gurl.”
truthfully, there is something quite liberating about choosing myself.
at times, i am filled with self-doubt, other times, i’m filled with the Gucci confidence of Saweetie.
on the real though, i been feeling like i need to go harder and it’s nothing short of sweet.
when you’re THAT Mama to a yazh Taani Boy and Aunty to my baby Kuus, it’s a feeling of unrest. some nights i am unable to sleep. sleepless nights make me restless and the next day i am cranky. unable to wake, it’s those dreams that i have not fulfilled that haunt me.
i got to go harder.
this new-new ain’t a new dress or new shuuz, but a new way of thinking, moving, and creating. on that catch-up, i feel like i spent tew much time wallowing in self-pity.
i can’t believe i let myself think what i did.
today, i’m dusting dirt off my shoulder.
i got work to finish and this new’new making me see how i hung on longer than i should have.
new’new got me looking back on how i believed in something that wasn’t real.
timing is everything and the only regret i have is that i don’t have one.
i didn’t want to wait in vain so started learning myself.
new’new got me drinking lime water again and back on that high tea.
new’new is working for my tribe and elders when i said i never would.
new’new is sitting with my elders who got me feeling like being Native is the only thing to be.