i used to think that brut and might equaled strength.
today, i realize they don’t.
as i been observing and watching reels in life go round and round, i can see how strength is actually unseen and comes from within.
strength is an inner resolve that comes to us when we least expect it.
it’s the bouncing back like a rubber ball.
it’s the rolls off me like water.
it’s the awareness of three fingers pointing at me with one looking right at you consciousness.
it’s the i ain’t got time for your bs awakening.
it’s the nah’imma’stay and work this out because this means something to me.
it’s the let’s do more than talk about it, let’s be about it.
see, i been watching reels go round and round and at the beginning and end of the day, i find myself always coming to back to me.
it’s in those quiet moments when i am alone with my thoughts where i have found my strength.
inner strength is where i found the resolve i needed.
inner strength is how i have been able to move on and up.
inner strength is what helped me to grow.
inner strength is why i work to practice mindfulness.
inner strength is looking at myself in the mirror and accepting everything about myself, especially the scars.
as i reflect back on what strength means to me, i can see how far i have come and how much more i want to go.
i may have scars, and some of them may have hurt when they were inflicted, whether by my self or someone [something], my scars are a reminder i have been living life.
from the scars of childhood, like the one on my face, which happened while wrecking with my older brother on his dirt bike. to the time my kitty kins Kimmy launched off my leg from a tree and left a clawed scar. to when i wrecked on my own dirt bike and had a golf ball sized burn and blister from the engine landing on my ankle. each one of those moments are forever burned in my memory, and i share these stories with my children.
the sparks of marvel and interest is beautiful. as i listen to them full of questions, it creates space for them to share tales of their fondest childhood memories.
it’s in those moments when i absolutely love the life i have been gifted. i send my thanks and gratitude to the heaven of all heavens in the great beyond where the ancestors live.
as i begin to think of how i made it through painful moments in life, i think it was the heart scars that hurt the most. the unseen ones where i realized my love was not reciprocated.
dealing with the ego of someone who is emotionally unavailable, socially inept, uncultured, unable to communicate due to unhealed pain and unresolved childhood traumas is a real deal breaker.
it has taught me the ego is guarded. ego will deny responsibility and deflect, blame, ignore, neglect, and behave as if nothing is wrong. meanwhile, the heart and mind vacillate.
as i work through my healing, i find it was inner strength and resolve that helped me to see. in order to dust myself off and try again, i had to learn myself. i had to learn to look within and that’s where i found my will.
the will to heal and Dust myself off and try again.
as i sit here praying my day into existence, i welcome and recieve love. no past hang ups or past relationships trauma attached to me because i want something more than what that was.
i want to build. like, build something using the foundational knowledge gained.
create, so as to build something new. like, a beautiful home, with a master bedroom that has a gorgeous view. i want a balcony we both love and a bathroom with my own little spot for my toiletries and a private space that i can retreat into after a long day. built in bookshelves and windows i can dream my way into.
it makes me think of how beautiful it feels to be with someone who knows what you want. strength is knowing i would climb a mountain high and if i fall down 8, it’s get back up 9.