growing pains


clouds in the shape of Buffalo dance across the sky and thunder rolls off in the distant.

the sun crests over the horizon and the early 5 am flight departs. birds are chirping and i am at peace.

i think about my grandmother and wish she were here with me as i relish in this beautiful and precious moment.

i know she is with me in heart and her spirit guides me. in times when i wish her hands would stroke my hair and brush it with the straw she gathered from the land, and made into a brush.

as the sun warms my face i think of the one in our home today. it isn’t the exact one, but a replica made by my little mom, her daughter. grandmother had shown her how to make one.

as i sit here and enjoy the blissful, sweet beauty of this morning, i realize i am truly blessed with the gift of life. the very name that she bestowed upon me reminds of how beautiful it is to be gifted with life from grandparents.

as i grow back into my yoga practice to reclaim the woman i am, i reflect on childhood memories. i reminisce of the teachings that grandmother gifted and shared with me that came from her mother and her mother before her.

i am grateful and thankful for all of them. the collective generational wisdom that was gifted to me is what i pass down and share with my children, those born of me and those whose hearts i cherish.

as this cool breeze kisses my forehead, i recall how fortunate and blessed i am.

i relish in the loving thoughts and release of letting my past go. to truly embrace my future and love that is right before my eyes has been a life lesson.

ever gracious, ever lovely, ever kind this place i call home is resonating deep into my bones. while i have been afraid to let the past go because it is all that i have known, i understand it is paramount for me to let more go and allow myself the vulnerability of being seen.

naked to the eyes of the beholder, i am humbled. in humility i can see my flaws. from the insecure toxicity, childhood triggers, unhealthy coping mechanisms, anger and frustrations, to the ways i shut down and stop talking. all of these little things that turn into big things are the nilly willies of having a meaningful and healthy relationship.

it does not come easy, nor is it a cakewalk. if anything, it has been the most challenging aspects of being human. a good human at that.

today, in this moment, i really just want to share how growth has been uncomfortable for me, especially because i have witnessed my own behavior. i don’t know how my partner in crime manages.

the one who showed up for me. the one who held me through the nightmares. the one who remained even when i have been distant and closed off. the one who has seen the suppression and emotional breakthroughs. the one who listened to the heartaches and betrayals, and the ways i tried to self destruct. the ugliest side of me has been showing herself and i am humbled.

i hate how it feels to be honest. when someone knows the ugliest side of you before they know the deepest and lovely sides of you nullifies your aptitude’s ability to discern whether it is truly love or feigned interest.

trust is eventually established and a solid foundation begins to take form. all of this has been happening for me in the last year and i am, as i stated before, humbled.

i have no words for what i feel and can only describe it as an experience.

my heart and soul says, “Namaste. Imeeqis Qeci’yew’yew inim haama, iin hetewiise.”

Categories Indigenous

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