i been writing drafts that have been added to my que and yet i have not posted.
stunted by my own perfectionism, i realize how i get in my own way.
i came across this lovely page by Nedra Glover Tawwab that inspired me to feel every emotion and answer self reflective questions with a deeper inquiry than i imagined. basically, i dug deep and went within. it’s been beautiful to say the least, however, it’s also been bumpy.
the most poignant self reflective questions had me reeling w my own introspection and query that i went waaaay back. deep down into my childhood psyche, which is what the COVID years have shown me i still had some healing to do.
like, what was it exactly that got me through this last year? cuz #2021 was an odd mish mash of this and that, along with some pretty amazing moments woven in. however, they did not happen without questions.
at times, i journaled through, even wrote a couple love letters, and swore my parents were the worst parents. and other times, i looked at them with deep, loving compassion, and all i could do was tell them i loved them and hang up the phone.
you see, these last two COVID years have taught me being a parent is not for everyone. there truly are ppl who are ill equipped with a lack of emotional intelligence and unhealed childhood trauma and pain that self love evades them. i have done a lot of work on myself and up to 2019, i believed i had healed my inner child. however, life has had the last few words.
my deep questions began with, what has this mystery of life been teaching me? and how am i going to move forward? not only in a healthy manner, but with my dignity and self respect. other questions, what did i need to accept about myself and other people in my life? or, how could i better manage my reactions to emotions that were unresolved? another that stumped me, what limiting beliefs do i need to release? and another that challenges me daily, what do i need to practice doing more or less of?
these questions were for self introspection of course but i believe i needed to ask these self interrogative questions to revisit my own hang ups.
i have been learning self respect is critical and key to a person’s integrity. i have also learned karma is real. don’t ever think it will miss you esp if you love someone deep. it is true, karma is Saturn’s child and the most patient gangster around. his arrows never miss. whether it is directly sent to you, or to your beloveds whoever they may be, karma knows who means the most to you and will send his arrows flying straight to your heart. the pain will come and when you see your beloveds suffer, or feel what someone endured, you will know, karma don’t mess around.
the COVID years taught me not to mess with karma, and to mind my own business like a mf. like, leave people alone who are living with their own demons cuz i could be meeting then while they’re experiencing their own karma. in other words, let karma take care of them and respect yourself enough to leave them be.
i share that part cuz over the Christmas holiday, an extended relative asked if there was anything awry or wrong regarding some extended relationships. it was a pure inquisitive question. one without malice or animosities or any hostilities. they just wanted to make sure they weren’t hurting anyones feelings.
i felt their sincere and genuine concern and did my best to share there are no hard feelings, no animosities, or anything. i just respect these people enough to keep my distance and stay away as i can given the circumstances. i don’t bother anyone and i leave people alone to their lives and mind my own business. if it seemed like i didn’t care, or had no interest, i learned sometimes loving people from a distance is the most self respecting thing i could do.
i believe something i also learned in the COVID years is that being respectful of others also begins with me, myself, and i. if and when i am ever cased with a situation or scenario that might cause any disruption of natural peace and flow, i have learned to remove myself.
i guess i’m sharing this to say, i’m looking back on these last two years as the COVID years and how 2020 & 2021 taught me a lot about myself. how i learned i was in my own way, esp when it came to people battling with their own inner demons and karma.
as a child with Saturn influences, you could say i was born out of karma. karma is essentially what i bring and who i am. i can see it happening sometimes, it takes me a minute to see how, or what’s happening, and when i realize, i gotta admit, i dislike it.
in other words, the truth of what i need to do hurts and i really, really, reeeeeeally don’t like it. when i can see it play itself out, i remember, I need to follow my intuition.
these last two years taught me to believe in myself, and also to busy myself or else find myself caught up in something i did not need to be dabbling in. this simple logic has taught me, it is best to not interrupt ppls karma and to steer clear from them, lest i want to be fodder.
big life lesson, say, “No Thank you.” and keep it moving right along.
another big life lesson, no need to stand around or pause too long. if you’re going to stand, walk a ways down the road before you do. if you’re going to pause, do it someplace quiet, preferably alone, and in the solace of Mother Nature cuz she has the answers too.
i learned the answers are there and can be found as whispers in the winds or echoes from the water streams. they will guide you just as prayers of peace, and loving kindness, the ways grandmother’s used to do.
you see, much like everyone else out there, i been in reflection these last few days and in pure delight found my bliss in the fresh new snow.
the snow came to bless us, and i was reminded it replenishes the land for all of us, esp the foods and four legged, not to mention the salmon and water ecosystems that will flow high with fresh mountain run off come spring.
oh how i am enjoying this beautiful, peaceful, and quiet morning as the snow has blanketed everything.
i send my thanks and gratitude for everything the creator has blessed me and my beloveds with and have nothing but a prayer to offer.
i am closing out the last two years. the nightmares, heartaches, broken childhood dreams and fallen stars, betrayals, lies, gossip, deceit, anger, hate, misogyny, envy, jealousy, and pure hate. no one can ever hurt me again. after i learned i was allowing these people to hurt me.
i believe in love, light, and happiness still. even after all the years i allowed hurt people to live rent free in my head and heart. they were never worthy of me or my children and it’s true, what’s for you will always be for you and will never miss you.
life lessons came through big time during the COVID years and in the process, i shedded more skin, and gained a thicker more Rezilient exterior that allowed my inner self to emerge and blossom. i don’t always feel worthy of these blessings until i remember how far i have come and how hard i worked to get to where i am.
no matter what any hateful person ever said, they never lived the life of a single mother. i welcome in the new and say grace for the snow and blessings i am about to receive.
before i let y’all go, i wanna wish y’all a beautiful day today and a welcoming in of the new year. make today’s memories last and carry you into the New Year with a good heart and peace of mind.
rest any demons and love yourself enough to see sometimes the one who loves you the most is the one who endures your pain as theirs.
one lasting note on something big that i learned, what your family wants for you isn’t always what’s good for you. you know what’s good for you because it resonates in your heart, deep down in your soul, where it really counts.
with that, i send you all love, light, and happiness. always and forever, i remain, indigenista love, alias child of god.