Far Behind

dwelling on and rehashing the past over and over is a sickness of unhealed pain.

i have reached my zenith and understand all too well what stage of healing and self awareness i am in (or at) when i cannot, or rather do not, know how to let go of the past.

it is a sickness associated with unhealed pain and i will no longer engage.

i choose healing.

which means i won’t put a band aid on unhealed pain. instead, i rip the band aid away. after allowing the fresh air to heal the wound, i also apply Neosporin w hopes it doesn’t leave too bad of a scar.

as i sit here Far Behind is on repeat and i can’t, for the life of me, see where i tripped up.

i have gone over in my head steps, words, and ask what did i do? what did i say in Nov 2020?

i had COVID in Nov 20 is basically all i remember as what happened, but that was also when i had my first nightmare in over twenty years and also when i believe i let love in.

despite what i feel, i was left behind and my shadow self is coming through. i embrace and accept the darkness in my life, and am transmuting that energy.

i realize i have to keep growing.

i have matured and learned up to this stage in my life and know too much. and as one of the ancestors used to say, “once you know better, you do better.” i can no longer hang onto a dream i once believed.

in the process, i am shedding the energy of winter and welcoming the beauty and life of spring.

my heart is broken and tired of the pain. i loved someone who did not love me. it’s taken me a long time to process but now that i can see the truth, i can no longer lie to myself and no longer want pain.

i remove the swords from my back and welcome the healing. i dress the wound and ask my guardian angels to help me clear the pain w their love and light.

i realize i need friends who can help me through this time as i shed the old friendships and welcome in the new.

so much is happening and the shift really started to happen for me in Feb. i no longer give energy to negative pessimism but into laughter, happiness, joy, most of all to peace.

i am healing, yet also have healed. i have healed the pains and they no longer bother me and the scars aren’t that bad.

my dark knight of the soul transmuted into the growth of elweht. i am shedding and release myself from the pain.

the awakening.

this last season had me all the way f*^%d up and today i readjust my crown. the transition from a winter Queen into a spring angel filled w love and light.

she couldn’t emerge until she addressed her darkness and i guess that’s my big take away from COVID as we all re-emerge. it made me sit still after being so busy, busy, and immersed myself in work all the time.

i embrace my dark soul and the beauty and uniqueness of how challenging things might have been in the past. i was in a long state of pause in true Taurus fashion and now set myself free.

you see, my darkness involves my Saturn in Taurus and all the ways she can be stubborn af. i smile and chuckle at myself w that one cuz we Taurus placement ppl know all too well how f*^%n stubborn we can be.

but oh how beautiful things become once we accept the truth for what it is and see the light in it.

i welcome this gift and have prayed to my guardian angels for help. i see genuine joy and happiness have been gifted to me and the answer and guidance given.

in closing out the winter, i have learned and gained the tools needed to move beyond survival and into a vibrant loving life.

doing my shadow work for the last two years esp since Nov 2020 when i had COVID. it taught me i have healed significant childhood traumas and i dug out the wound and the healing has transmuted.

the beauty of shadow work and embracing the pain and tears i have and had been crying.

two years of healing and im not ashamed of who i am. it’s a part of who i am and my integrity is based on who i am and where i come from.

ive had to remind myself what it means to be a Tsinigine and how important it is to believe in the virtues of family, culture, education, and ceremony.

i was an only child for 13 years of my life. it’s true, maybe i was spoiled, but in my defense, i can’t help that my dad was responsible. he set the bar high and i realize they don’t make men like they used to. very few men today respect women.

as i look back, my dad is still my hero and when he called me for my birthday this year i could hear the peace and happiness in his voice. i heard him for the first time in 50 years say that he loved my mom and truly wished well for her. my dad, the Cancerian crab was my first example of a what a family man is supposed to be like.

so how can anyone hate me for being blessed with a parent who cared? i don’t understand.

as i look back in the last two years, it was a season and i survived.

my childhood traumas addressed and learning how to fill my own cup has taught me it’s time to keep growing.

i am searching for and creating love, peace, happiness, and the balance of harmony. all of this is known as Hozho.

as a queen of hearts i love w all my heart and believe no one can escape the karma of hurting me.

from an objective and rational view, i have healed from pain and ready to let the past go.

i leave it all Far Behind.


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