i’ve been going through a deep healing.
in this part of my journey work i learned about what i have healed and what i thought i healed. i also learned about things i didn’t realize i needed to heal.
it’s been a difficult journey to say the least.
not only has healing showed me where i needed to dig deeper, it also showed me where i could also let go.
i recently had a vivid dream in which i had gone back to my 15 year old self. back to when i believe i learned first hand about unresolved childhood trauma and abandonment.
i saw two particular spirits that i know not only fight but work to tear me down. it was quite empowering to be able to not only walk away from them, but to awaken and discover i had healed from that and no longer needed to carry those rocks.
thereafter, i had another dream of my biological parents. i understand today had i not chosen to actively pursue my own healing, i am certain i would not be able to talk with them the way i do now.
as i look back, it was their traumas that were passed down to me and my siblings, and why we are the family that we are today.
sadly, alcoholism and misogyny were just a couple of the dysfunctional behaviors we endured. when i see my siblings today i know which ones are doing the work and healing but also those who perpetuate their traumas.
i’m dealing w a heavy plate right now. as a single mom i don’t really have a partner. although im dating, im a single mom and was told recently to look out for myself.
not only was that emotionally devastating, it shook me, and i realize doing healing work is not for the faint and cowardly.
it demands you to face what and who hurt you. it also demands you to stop victimizing yourself and look to see who, what, how, when, and where your trauma occurred. it means you face it. eye to eye. mono y mono.
i share this knowing all too well what it feels like and how fearful, shocking, emotionally disturbing, and difficult it is to face your inner self and the fears you locked away years ago.
buried under all the hurtful things people have said and did/done to you, over the years, it adds up on top of the other traumatic experiences and emotional overloads ignored.
*before i go any further, let me say thank you for being here w me. bare with me as i continue to share why this has emerged and reared it’s ugly head.*
i recently experienced a self discovery that i worked through some serious and significant parental healing. it was triggered by a meme where a two generations of turbulent and emotionally violent and verbally abusive behaviors were captured.
it struck a chord w me deep because i am highly self aware of the lack of parenting role models that my biological parents were. it reminded me of how much work i have been doing but also for how long.
i have been doing this work every since i became a mother. not only have i been intentional to express, display, and behave in a loving and compassionate manner towards my children, but have worked to be present in their lives.
perhaps i was indeed too much of a helicopter mom? might be i could have been more lenient and less controlling. one thing i know, today my kids are living examples of the work ive done. not only on my inner being, but for their well being and holistic health.
today my children are not codependent and are quick to tell me not to be codependent on them because they are their own ppl. y’all it’s quite impressive and amazing to say the least. it’s a sense and feeling of accomplishment for me only because i still have my parents who live with and continue to carry their unhealed pain.
it’s incredibly difficult for me at times not to lash out at them because i do want to say something. however, i also learned how to reparent myself and w the grace and blessings of my step dad, little mom, aunties, and grandmothers i am finally beginning to understand divine intervention.
i truly believe if it had not been for my upbringing and being raised and adopted into the Many Goats and Deer In Water clans, i don’t think i would be where i am today. i am forever grateful and indebted to them for the blessings and prayers of learning how to be a good relative.
In #Dine bizaad the foundation of who we are begins with our family.
K’é is why i am able to stand before anyone and introduce myself the way that i do. i was in middle school when i was taught how to introduce myself and where i come from. i have come a long ways to get here and being raised by matriarchs has taught me how to be a matriarch and to follow cultural protocols.
unfortunately, not everyone will understand or know this about matriarchal societies, but matriarchy does not center men. it centers girls and women first, and thereafter raises boys to become men who will either become a chief or remain a warrior.
it’s taken me a long time to understand this significant piece of matriarchy. for the life of me, i did not know i was born into this cultural way of knowing and being until much later in life.
i learned and share only a little of this because this is also stuff that is not written in a book. it is taught and learned through lifelong observation and lived experience.
as i tease out this deeply layered reality, i am also processing that my father had a stroke earlier this week. this isn’t the first and won’t be the last, esp because aneurysms run in the family and why diet and exercise are impt to me.
so while working through his stroke I saw some of my siblings and learned they are still around their unhealed pain related to father.
i am proud of myself for doing the work and making an effort to be present for him while i can. today, I decided to be here for me. i self isolated to work through my own questions and realized i have been through a lot with these ppl.
i realized i have siblings w animosities and unresolved grief and loss towards father. i was able to deflect their arrows and witnessed their toxic dysfunctional behaviors first hand.
during this processing, i self isolated to make sure i was not hurting anyone close to me and did what i was taught to do in childhood. basically, i sent up my prayers and let god do the work. it’s funny how evil or darkness presents itself. shameful and toxic dysfunctional behaviors reminded me being born and raised an Indigenous person truly is a blessing and protection.
my ancestors don’t play about me and reminded me to smile. i see the heart we touch and pray to, i also remembered spirit, and to see through this time because me and my family are taught not to be negative but to be happy.
like, literally, i was taught these principles and values “be happy. pray for happiness. pray for your heart to be happy. dream big. believe in your prayers. have faith and when in doubt, sing the song about faith.”
while those teachings are surface there are more layers and deeper work as a whole that goes w those teachings. things that took years for me to understand and today, i can truly say, without a doubt, i believe in divine intervention and the creator chose me a long time ago.
as i observed my siblings behaviors i realized how impt it is to have an Indigenous mother or matriarch show children the way. when they don’t, it becomes evident in how they treat one another but also how they behave towards others.
as i look back and see how things have gone for my father, he chose the patriarchal route and has suffered the consequences. i won’t fret over them but instead, carry on and fwd knowing i did exactly as i was taught and remain gracious even when ppl are not gracious towards me or my children.
my role as a daughter who was raised by some good people remains in full effect. when i talked w my mother the other night she reminded me not to have or put any expectations out there.
telling of a woman who was raised by our great grandmother Bāh. she literally reminded me i am a Dine woman first.
listening to her and watching my dad fight for his life has been quite the process.
forgiveness resonates so much for me right now and i can truly say, it felt peaceful. i forgive my biological parents and sent up thanks for my Many Goats parents and family.
doing the healing work allowed me to sit through the barrage of toxic texts and emotional violence and verbal abuse. it also taught me to stand strong for my nieces while my sister behaves like the lowly human she has become.
it’s quite tragic if you ask me.
i believe all the work i have been doing was to prepare me for this time. to remain the dignified and sophisticated lady my little mom and aunties taught me to be even when facing a storm.
the storm i am looking at has the words patriarch written all over it. oh and the misogyny? oh the misogyny and how it works daily to kill me.
as someone who has done the healing work, and continues to do the healing work, i am a survivor who has moved beyond victimhood. i learned firsthand i need a protector. a warrior who does not throw me to the wolves and waits to watch me die, but one who stands to strike anyone who attempts to strike me.
while the wretched try to kill me I look up above the horizon and see Hozho was glistening all around. i cried and shed a few tears, but like my mama reminded me to “wipe those tears shi’yazhi, today is the day you let them hear your war cry.”
imagine having a mother who knew she was not a matriarch but had birthed one. imagine her, this woman, mother of holy beings, being so strong that she finally can see why she had to let her baby go and be raised by clan mothers she knew later protected her child.
as we celebrate Mother Earth day, our first mother, and as we ease into Mothers Day…. imagine a Dine mother crying praises of thanks in prayer for this blessed child of the earth.
can you now see how i, thee Indigenista, can not hide or dim her light for any white person? her light emits happiness that stems from healing and forgiveness.
i thought you knew, being Indigenous is a lot like being happy and Happy is holy. ❤️