to the patriarchy w love

i am living with a loss for words.

i have been living to be less prettier and less awake. i wear white and abstain fr mirrors, sex, and sleep alone only to find myself staring at my Queendom feeling my feelings.

i find listening to Beyoncé’s broken-hearted journey helped me to understand and comprehend what i have endured over the entirety of my life when it comes to the patriarchy.

it’s taken me a long time to see how the patriarchy has worked to not only silence me, but women all over the world. all we have to do is look to the East and find Iran.

the violence against women is worldwide and the patriarchy works to manipulate and coerce any woman who crosses its path. we are endangered, so much so that, over the years, its worked to silence us in ways that taught me to live in fear.

i have come to learn, it’s all the patriarchy knows. to drive fear into the hearts of its victims which can be paralyzing and outright traumatizing.

as a Queen i have lived a thousand lives and still see no change. in learning how to love myself, i can see where and what is still needed to be healed when it comes to the patriarchy, and healing has been on a continuum.

how many girls and women suffered at its hands? how much more violence must be perpetuated? when will this change? where are the real men that Tupac asked about? the patriarchy that we Indigenous ppl have known is on its last legs. it has created some of the most violent creatures around in the 21st century among Indigenous communities and must be stopped.

this form of patriarchy is not of Indigenous origin but of an ancient old beast from the other side of the world. it’s not to say there was no patriarchy here in the western part of the world, because there was one too. however, the one brought over on those three ships in 1492 was filled w wicked lust and greed, not to mention pedophilia, incest, brutality, and misogyny.

it brought more than that, like religious persecution and white supremacy. to kill this beast requires going back to our Indigenous ways of knowing and rematriation.

the patriarchy that came over those three ships brought men who were violent and abused ppl and believed their offspring were property. as a result, they created some of the worst behaviors in civilization (and ppl) who grow up to become violent predators and abusers that perpetuated greed, toxic, dysfunctional, and insanely insecure ppl.

learning this helped me to understand my own trauma. as i look deeply into our collective and world history, as it pertains to settler colonialism, Indigenous ppl have endured enough. it’s time to break those shackles of shame and hate of women and children.

with the onslaught of settler colonialism we can look to the recent honoring of survivors of the federal Indian policies of the residential boarding schools. one will find a history of families who experienced parents living w trauma.

seeing a pattern within myself was frightening. through song and prayer i had to isolate myself at times and chose to dig deep in order to do the work. the time spent in learning myself taught me when it comes to healing, learning how to communicate and being emotionally available is equally important when creating healthy relationships.

for me personally, breaking generational cycles of pain brought on by settler colonialism is a part of digging deep and doing the work.

when learning how to be in a healthy relationship, esp after learning about childhood trauma, has taught me to reach deep within. the lack of parenting my parents did not receive as children helped me to see more of where i lacked and resulted in me learning how to reparent myself.

the reality is the type of trauma settler colonialism forced onto Indigenous ppl was deliberate and intentional. separate the women and children, sedate the men, and subject any victims into subjugation in order to steal the land has been a part of the settler colonial project.

the compacted unresolved historical grief and trauma, layered upon the childhood and adult trauma has been hard at work for the last 500 years. this is not new and it is nothing that hasn’t been heard of among Indigenous intelligentsia.

the work has shown many of us we have just begun when we set out to disrupt settler colonialism. as i’ve shared in previous posts, i have been on my healing journey. learning how to live again and unlearning all the ways settler colonialism has made me believe is work. it has shown me where i could dig deeper and continue to blossom and yet the most poignant part of my healing journey was highlighted in my relationship w both my parents.

i choose to dig deep so i could get to know myself more, but to also understand my mama, my little mom, my aunties, but most of all my grandmothers pain. i love them more w each new awakening, and myself, even more.

i have already broken several chains and cycles of generational pain and have raised some beautiful and powerful human beings. they are my legacy and their grandparents pride and joy. digging deep has taught me that learning about settler colonialism was the first step and the next steps involve continually practicing healing and to keep going and growing.

forgiveness has taught me more than i could ever see. it has allowed me to be in relationship w my parents despite any disagreements we may have or for any that occurred. through counseling, i learned my relationships suffered because of the learned behaviors and i had no idea how to change it until i chose therapy.

life has a way of humbling the human and in order for something new to be birthed, parts of me had to die. in order to rise like a Phoenix, i had to work and learn to understand the deep and dark caverns of my own behaviors. me and my family experienced settler colonialisms violence. and today, after several dark nights of the soul, i can look back and reflect on those moments as my chrysalis.

as a result, at times, i believe life is a box of chocolates. until i worked to learn myself from one day to the next, i learned why no two days are the same. settler colonialism and it’s corporate capital patriarchy has no hold on my soul.

grandmother moon moves gracefully across the night and early morning sky.

as she glides across the sky, its pretty much what healing has been like for me. when co-creating healthy relationships, i learned it’s impt to learn to read through the smoke screen and not personalize how ppl may behave towards me and to glide through it w grace.

i learned not to personalize what people who are suffering say and do. what they need to say stems from unhealed pain and the ego projections and deflections can be accusatory and self victimizing. it reminded me of the way my mother would sneer condescending words to me as a child saying i was like my father. those were some confusing years and would be the catalyst that prompted me to learn myself.

“dig if you will the picture of you and i engaged in a kiss.”

when it comes to healing from toxic and dysfunctional parents, i been on this tip for years. it’s been striking when it comes to my male relatives, esp my father who was too bold. so please, don’t ever get it twisted. when thinking back to any particular person, whether male, or female, the realities of understanding through a lens of compassion, loving kindness, and most of all forgiveness, i have been liberated.

at this moment, in the wee early morning hours when my loved ones sleep soundly, i am awake and loud w the sound of silence. i’m talking to you as a woman filled w love and forgiveness that took the last two years for me to understand. i am not scorned, nor am i angry or bitter. no projection or mixed ideation of what anyone thinks i am can not reach me.

it is because of forgiveness that love flows so freely through me.

i will end the speculation right now and tell y’all, i am talking to all y’all men, esp the unhealed ones who refuse to do the inner work.

heal so that you don’t get offended by every word a woman who knows herself speaks.

heal so that we can have a race of babies that don’t hate the ladies.

heal so that we women, girls and boys, can once again be safe and free to roam without the dangers of rape, incest, violence, misogyny, control, or persecution.

heal so that you can love without fear or judgement but w loving kindness and compassion.

from healing and forgiveness comes liberation from the demons. when we refuse to do the inner work and help ourselves become a healthy version of our own self, than we prolong healing and the ability to have a healthy relationship.

the kind of healthy relationships where one can express themself and vulnerably share what was long denied by our parents. unhealed adults need to constantly do the inner work and to process and release the unresolved grief and loss. it is a journey in and of itself and not to be taken lightly.

see, it’s taking me a long time to understand what’s happened, been happening, and possibly could continue to happen if i did not choose healing.

today, i am where i love to be. i am a deep thinker and love quiet moments. i can most often be found thinking, analyzing, and contemplating my next moves… living in my head and that’s all there is to know.

this broad stroke is about me expressing my desire and journey in creating healthy relationships. knowing and practicing healthy forms of communication, and not throwing all men out w the bath water. you see there are some good men out there who are doing the healing work. who love what the healing journey has shown them and practicing healing which is a daily act of resistance.

due to the sensitivity of both my parents still here, i do wish to share being able to talk to both of them about their toxicity and what they subjected me and my siblings in childhood was not easy, but i did it.

i did it because my own babies talked w me. my babies helped to liberate me. however, it was also my own will and volition in choosing to heal and seek counseling and therapy. after all, it is why i am here writing.

i chose and continually choose healing. it is my responsibility and i don’t deny it. i love how it has helped me to see who is still living in unhealed pain and sedating themselves.

as a woman, i feel the lioness in me and she is ready to roar. this is my dream, and my life woven together. all my wishes and dreams have come true. it only took twenty years to happen. ain’t it funny how time works?

i learned exactly what divine timing is and it is a thing.

as we all prepare to send my father off, in the proverbial sense, i am also kissing the patriarchy goodbye. i realize how much i put into it while losing myself simultaneously all because of what or rather how my mom taught me to believe. she taught me im supposed to serve the patriarchy. what a concept to teach your daughter right?

well, as i look back, Pretty Hurts comes to mind.

it’s wicked what the patriarchy taught women to believe and today i release and free myself fr that bs.

i am still that “pretty little girl” that my mama used to admire, coo, and delight over. today, i am a beautiful woman who has dealt w the heteronormative patriarchy since the 4th grade when that creepy ol’ teacher would rub our backs when we went to ask for help or to be excused to use the restroom.

you see the patriarchy has been trying to f@&$ girls women and boys since the days of Sparta and learned control meant power.

at times i used to hate and dislike being pretty because it drew unwanted attention from both men/boys and women/girls. i had to unlearn that when a boy picks on you and throws rocks or hits you, it doesn’t mean he likes you girl, it means he hates himself for loving you.

boys who grow up to be men that hate girls grow up to be men that hate women. and those girls grow up to hate girls because she (the pretty one) got the boy or male attention. like wtf girl women child? your jealousy is uncalled for and unwarranted. check yo’self before you wreck yourself.

and by the way, those girls who grew up to be women that hate other girls, y’all the worst at perpetuating internalized misogyny and the most toxic Breezee’s around. y’all need to read up on this and ask y’all counselor or therapist if you dare to do the work and see how you’ve perpetuated the worst on your own sisters.

sometimes the most wicked realities of the patriarchy have everything to do w women who uphold the patriarchy too! and it usually stems fr the hate they learned as girls and as a woman is jealous because of some weird fixation of male attention. whether it be their male relative, friend, or lover… stop. y’all toxic girls and women are still seeking and wanting that male attention. it’s ugly and wack .

as i write this final passage i wish to share i have lived w this my whole my life and there isn’t a soul who could tell me differently. over the years i grew used to wondering when things would change, and each time, there was always some female w major insecurity and internalized misogyny issues involved.

this is a girl woman who wants demands and requires male attention. more importantly behind that curtain is a boy man who lives in a wounded inner child state but living in a man’s body. as hurtful as it is, he wrecks havoc on every girl woman he encounters.

please… ask me how i know this.

today, as a grown woman i still deal w hateful women who uphold the patriarchy. jealous and insecure w their lot in life because they never learned how to be strong in their own. projecting Christian ideologies of what a woman is supposed to be like has been a chokehold for so many women. shaming her for showing skin, or getting tattoos, or cussing, or laughing too loud, or god forbid expressing her happiness because she does not believe in Christian ideologies.

y’all… please, do better.

as i begin my day, i remember my deep appreciation for a world experience and find music is healing. it makes me moody and i am as moody as my music. after all, one of my great grandmothers surname was Moody.

while on my healing journey i just went through my Mercury Rx flashback and remembered one of my favorite mainstream artists, Beyoncé.

her lyrics give me the feels back then as they do today. granted she’s corporate, underneath it all, she’s reflected my experiences w the patriarchy and over the years showed exactly what it’s like to live w the patriarchy.

how did this happen?

let me just tell you, it begins w silencing and when mama says, “don’t say anything, be silent, and just be quiet” it will fix itself. guess what mama? being silent has caused me more stress and heartburn and the acid reflux? woo saw!

today, your daughter has grown up to speak up for herself and all the patriarchy has said is that i don’t listen, or i talk back. ive been called so many names, and while collecting these names as my war deeds, i have come to realize most of those men are unhealed men who are really just cycling out their unresolved childhood traumas and codependent mommy issues.

as i sit and listen to the morning birds chirp and sing the day into existence, i just want to share dreaming of the patriarchy makes me anxious.

i want to go back to when life was simple and i didn’t have to deal w wicked ppl. i moved back home to the Rez to learn and find so much shady and awful things happened to women and children and it is a crying shame.

if there is one thing i know about being raised by a matriarch it is this, when she does speak, her voice does not crack. she is never happy to slit its throat, but sometimes it’s what a warrior has to do and a warrior understands through and through how sacred life is for the future.

as an ode to the patriarchy i say farewell. may you find eternal unrest and live another life until you learn to love, respect, honor, guide, protect, and cherish girls and women.

Categories Indigenous

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