when grief becomes you


caught in a plummeted spiral, diving deep, it has been a roller coaster of a storm. one day quiet and isolating, and another loud w noise on this healing journey.

the quieted nature of self destruction and sabotage can leak into your daily life when refusing to heal is silent and deadly. it presents itself as procrastination, silence, hurt, and pain. forgetting all the work you’ve done can be jarring and easy to do if you don’t surround yourself w likeminded ppl.

i think of the substances to drown and kill any feelings and the noise in order to drown the many thoughts. what i learned is, alcohol is a spirit. it can possess ppl and is a lower vibration entity. it is a start for where unhealed ppl can go and spiral. it can lead to domestic violence, and perpetuates abuse in all forms. not to mention the (self) hate, internalized misogyny, and outright loss of innocence, family values, cultural teachings, and the gift of life. any willingness to live and see a better way can get diminished.

personally, grief was more than i could ever understand until i sought family counseling. since April 2022, i have been living on an emotional roller coaster. actively seeking healing has been emotionally taxing. resolving childhood traumas, whether my own, my children’s, my parents, or any other relative out there… i have had one dark night of the soul after the other.

from the heavy emotional processing, to the physical pains, the recovery has been equally, if not, more important. i have literally been going through grief without knowing it.

you see, in April my father had his first stroke. in May, he had a 2nd that was debilitating. it really took out his ability to care for himself and be mobile. it’s been hard to watch at times and i realize, extending forgiveness and compassion has been a significant part of my healing journey.

i have so much going on and yet at the same time, i also realize, it’s not my burden to carry. i was literally reminded, i was not my parents and that karma was at work. so as not to interrupt someone’s karma, to let the creator do the work. the awareness has not been easy to process.

it’s taken a toll on my family, personal, and work life. from missed calls, classes, meetings, events, work stress, kids and partners needs, etc. it has been emotionally taxing and exhausting. healing as i have lived and experienced is on a continuam.

there is nothing new under the sun and what i have felt and lived through is one toxic dysfunctional heartbreak after the other. learning about ppl’s childhood traumas and understanding what happened to children does something to you. forget that these are ppl i know and look deep into their inner child.

i found love and compassion and grieved for them.

in that space i had to practice compassion, forgiveness, and most of all… inner peace knowing children, no matter what racial or ethnic creed, should never know domestic violence, rape, incest, alcohol, drugs, and any adult internalized issues.

learning about what’s happened to children has been one shocking reality after another. it’s time like these quiet moments when i am ever thankful and grateful for divine intervention. sometimes adoption and fostering children is the safest and healthiest thing a mother can do.

what speaks to me most is how Indigenous kinship systems are needed and ought to be revived and put into practice.

with substance abuse there is a sedation and drowning of sorrow and heartache from trauma that leads to continual perpetuation of the domestic violence and abuse.

at this time i really just want to honor those survivors and ppl who actively choose healing. it resonates w me because, i too have chosen healing, and am thankful for how the universe and my ancestors were protecting me since the day i was conceived.

being strong w my creator has helped and guided me in so many ways i can’t help but think of that meme that shows you never know how or who someone is protected. my creator has been protecting me since day 1. there is a deep and humble prayer within me that acknowledges that daily since i learned of these dark truths.

it’s sickening to learn about how violence against women and children was perpetuated. today, we literally get to watch and see firsthand what happens to humans who do women and children harm.

it’s quite ironic tbh. i mean how else is the world to know when the truth is continually denied and hidden? i had one of my elders remind me, the truth won’t stay hidden.

i truly believe things and times are changing and the grief and loss i have endured for the last six months has been a significant part of my healing journey.

so many doors were closed and yet others were opened. the chambers of my heart were opened and the blood clots were released. my healing has revealed a need for even more healing as a generational cycle breaker.

being cycle breakers comes w the burden of responsibility. breaking the cycles of inter generational trauma and healing is fragile work. healing fr violence perpetuated by family has been quite the storm. watching my nieces emerge and grow fr the dirt they were left in has inspired me to grow even more stronger and deeper matriarchal roots.

the patriarchy has not won, or counted coup. if anything, it has sealed its fate and death w the matriarchy. what used to be is no longer acceptable and times most definitely have changed. old regimes die hard and the white Christian views and beliefs about the so called devil are no longer acceptable. the devil exists where unhealed pain dwells in unforgiveness.

as i actively engage in my own healing, i call upon and invoke all the warrior spirits out there who are also doing the work. warriors who thrive and moved beyond survival mode. they are literally thriving and vibing in healing energy.

i have stared the devil in the eyes more times than i care to count. i know what it’s like to see hate and misogyny stare menacingly right back at you. even through it’s suffering, it refused to do the work and chose unhealed pain.

when grief becomes you, you become dead inside. i think there is nothing more traumatizing than watching your parent live through hell knowing full well they are receiving and living karma. it is sad and quite the spectacle as it licks it’s lips w a forked tongue and wks to call you a shady lying snake.

the series of unfortunate events and poetic justice brings karma like no other. when it strikes, all one can do it step aside. something i learned while healing is, it’s best to not say anything so karma can do it’s wk. i was reminded, karma is the patient gangster and much like the WuTang Clan, ain’t nothing to f with.

i leave this message for those just now finding themselves, whatever you do, remember, what you put out does come back if you don’t heal it. those cycles of continued behavioral patterns will give you away each time. it’s better to heal instead of seeking retribution or revenge on someone who hurt you.

when you find yourself feeling those feelings, pause. take a deep breath and ask yourself, “is it worth it to keep this cycle going?” or is it best to keep it moving?

i prefer and choose healing. as shocking and emotionally devastation stuff has been for me, y’all, i am holding up my end of the responsibility.

heal so we don’t have any more intergenerational cycles of pain, hurt, and unhealed pain and toxic dysfunction ruining the next generation of children and calling it family. saying this is just how it is. instead, choose healing and watch how cycles are broken and can reveal change is possible.

Categories Indigenous

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