my revolution

loving ppl without judgement requires a deep and loving liberation that allows one to free themself of trauma. to do the inner work and purge oneself of the outdated thinking and beliefs that have been significantly influenced by the last 500 years of patriarchy is deep, deep, deep work.

personally i was triggered. and it was Aunty Angela who helped liberate me, but not before mama bell, or Aunties Nani & Lee had done. it is their critical works that have sustained and guided me throughout my ever evolving growth and revolution.

you see, this revolution of mine has not been easy to grow through. there have been days and nights where i was sleepless and did not know how to rest because i literally wrestled throughout the night deep in thought.

i have troubled myself long enough.

i will grieve this life no more and honor the women who deeply impacted my understanding of the world as we knew it.

today is a new day, and tomorrows future is bright. the Indigenous future i have co-created involves my children who have learned AND taught me the most about the patriarchy.

i dedicate all my critical feminist writings to my children who have been and continue to be my greatest teachers. they after all showed me who i was when i could not see myself.

they teach me to keep it moving properly and to keep growing. to not get stymied but to move. move my heart, my mind, and my spirit. to spiritually ground myself so that my soul would know how to fly on her own without them.

in listening to them, it was my codependency and dismissive and anxious avoidant behaviors that have been to my detriment. as i talked w them, they challenged me to think using my “critical thinking skills” as my oldest made hand motions to quote those words.

the challenge was to not be codependent on them and to stop calling, texting, inboxing, group texting, and planning events so much with them and to find likeminded friends. the codependency was the doozer when my son addressed it not to mention their extreme caution to also not perpetuate narcissism.

i learned a lot from these beautiful ppl knowing they taught me so much awareness… as children to boot is life giving.

when i stated i wanted to see a revolution, they were amused and surprised me. i thought perhaps they would be on board but one addressed concerns about nationalism and the other the collapse of colonialism. the struggle then took on a life of its own as i contemplated a move back home to the Rez.

not knowing how isolating the move would be, i have been living firsthand how difficult it actually is to create awareness among ppl and community who will fight you to stay asleep. the fight to protect what has served them for the last two hundred plus years.

all of my personal and lived experience was summed up in one photo. as i stated, the photo triggered me and i remembered something i had buried and forgotten. how young i was and that my mother, despite telling her i would not be taking any calls fr my HS bf. it turned out he was a violent abuser. my gut instinct told me then and i had no problems looking back.

my mom told me to at least answer or talk to this guy who called incessantly and non stop flooded our phone line. talking on the phone was a thing because he lived two hrs away but still he tried to control what i did. ladies thats how it begins. although i was just a kid, i understood when he was around, i couldn’t do what i wanted. and believe me, at 17 i wanted to go out and have fun and glad i did.

17 yrs old is too young for any kid to begin expecting them to take on gendered roles of being partnered. Periodt.

as i think back, i learned fast that hanging with friends was much more fun and the laughter and outright teenage fun was enough to let me know there was another life out there that i wanted for myself. i look back and think i been dodging bullets since i can remember.

as i tell this story i think you all should know my mom was raised to believe a woman’s place is to stand by her man’s side in true ride or die fashion. like, to the end. muerta.

i used to believe that until i stared death in the eyes and knew i didn’t want to die this kind of slow death. i did not want to live a slow and dying death of suffocation from my own silence.

like, NO.

if anything, since i can remember, i have been wanting to live a different life since i understood there was another way of being. i still embrace the goodness that has been gifted to me despite the patriarchal abuse and misogyny. however, what grinds my gears today is the women who uphold and protect men who perpetuate patriarchal abuse.

ladies, as Snow the Product sings to me… love yourself. like, love yourself so much that you stop hating women who call out your relatives for perpetuating wack stuff. more than that, love yourself so that you stop looking at yourself through the eyes of man but stop teaching your daughters to put men before them.

it’s been one mountain after the other for me and today im looking at this through the eyes of my mother who finally admitted to herself that it was not healthy to follow that way.

the triggering showed me how much i have grown through but also how difficult my life has been due to silencing. being raised by parents who were taught by the silent generation is a special kind of frustration esp when we are in the 21st century and we still have women who love to uphold it.

again… i just can’t. so as the story unfolds i was out thrift shopping for office furniture textiles. it took me off guard as i rounded the aisle in a sweet bliss of finding a great deal when this photo struck me silent. as i stared at the pattern i remembered my first prom ever and the dress my bfs sister made. while it wasn’t a marriage it was my first ever date and prom at 17.

as i look back i just wanna know why ppl put so much into prom? i was fine going Dutch w my girls esp cuz we got to ogle on the HS athletes, which was way better than going on a date tbh.

ha. take a look at this and ask yourself, would you promote or encourage a young teen to become a bride?

for what it’s worth, i had to see when the publishing date was to get an idea about what era i was looking at. it was most definitely 20th century and outdated. i couldn’t find a date but did see the pattern costed .10 cents. today patterns cost around $10.

looking at this photo had me rolling through my memory and i instantly thought of my nieces. more importantly i thought of myself! over the years, while on social media, i’ve shared how as a little girl fear was struck in me when my late grandfather jokingly stated he was going to take me down to the trading post man and marry me off to the bearded man.

fast forward to when i dropped out of college and went home to live with my late grandmother. the very woman who dealt with my late grandfather mind you. as i look back, these two people imprinted on me early on because they lived with us. it was their cultural knowledge and language speaking that touched my life.

i digress.

when i dropped out of college i remember going home to be w my grandmother. one day, my dad and i are out cruising to get water to the cows on the other side of ranch. as we’re driving on the dirt road, we pass one of my uncles. my uncle, after talking for a bit, pauses to look over at me and asked, “what are you doing, aren’t you supposed to be in school?” my dad answers for me, “We’re going to marry her off.” ha.

y’all, that was enough for me to say, “No Thank you” and got on my way to getting back into school. they say hindsight is 20/20, i just wanna close this with the year 2020. it taught me so much about myself and im just thankful for all the healing that has taken place since that time of COVID. i wouldn’t be able to reflect on my life the way i have been had it not been for the deep inner work that i started and been healing throughout C19.

i wish for all the little girls and boys to know health and happiness but to also keep growing and learning. even if they got some outdated parentals, there are ppl out here who are rooting for them and im just trying to make some noise.

i am writing through this time and journaling about letting the patriarchy go. it has been one of the biggest hurdles i have encountered next to staying sober.

i live one day at a time living in hope and praying the gods, the holy ppl, Diyin Dineh will hear my prayers.

Categories Indigenous

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